Do I really want to kill myself?
My name, as far as you know, is graydude108. I joined the Roblox community, when I was 13, on the 22nd of December in 2007, and I've played daily until this very moment. For most of you, you've tried to calculate my age; for the others, you've read this sentence without hesitation, and now you're calculating. If you have no interest in calculating my age, you are one of the very few that have made it this far in less than a minute in an attempt to find information about me. You see, I've spent every breathing moment being a Cold Reader, a Tactical Analyst, or whatever you would like to call it. Either way, I have the ability to analyze every little thing from the words you type, from the image of your character, to your characters movements, etc. And I can use it to my advantage if I wanted to. But, it isn't a dependent ability; it is an independent one. At times, I could be proud of it, but in most cases, it haunts me.
Back in 2009, on December 16th, I lost my father to cancer. Before his death, or even knowing of his predicted death, I never saw my ability to analyze every detail as a curse until I was informed of his illness. I began to isolate myself from the world by spending my time with my thoughts. Instead of living on the outside, I was living on the inside. After he died, my soul was broken. Living inside of my soul for several months, I went berserk when I was released from my imprisonment that I brought upon myself. I now live with regret, and scars on my left arm. These scars are a reminder to control myself. I didn't mention it before, but by berserk, I mean I would blackout; I don't remember these events, but there was blood, tears, and some times, others that were hurt badly. To keep that monster from causing any more conflict in my life, I buried my pain deep inside of these scars to hold myself at a neutral behavior was I continue to live.
But how can someone live with neglecting emotion? That is the real question. Am I to release the evil while others are harmed, or do I keep it sealed inside of me to protect those I care about? Living with this concealment has brought me to neglect the well-being of others, and has brought my analytical abilities to another level. When you're unable to feel emotion, and you're cursed with this ability, all you're able to do is observe and question everything around you, which changes your perception every single second causing you to change your mind at such a fast pace that you begin to lose it. When you're losing your mind, while this is still going on, you begin to lose control of your concealment, and your emotions began to leak out slowly. Anyone or anything that could trigger any emotion would break the seal, and you would blackout, but if you let it go, you will blackout. It's a lose-lose situation, unfortunately.
What is best to do when you're unable to control something that could ruin your life, but more importantly, others? If I were to kill myself, the beast would die, but so would I, and that would only hurt others. But if I continue to live, I will still continue to hurt others, and I will begin to lose my control of life, which would lead to this first thought of suicide again. Unable to make a decision, you're fate is already decided. If you see the world as black and white, those are your only choices. By looking in the "gray" areas, only then you will be able to escape the pain, and start your path to being a normal human being again.
If you don't understand, I will pray that you will be safe on this journey called "life". Hopefully you will find your way.
- graydude108
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